BLoGGeR PaNDa

The following is an excerpt of wisdom written by a 27-year-old Wall Street-turned-comedian, to the Class of 2007 grads. Take notes.

Your days of frat parties and Facebook are over, and your days
of martinis and MySpace are just beginning.  Here’s what you need to
know. 

-No matter what amount per month you were originally planning to spend on
rent, any apartment you actually like will always cost $200 more than that.

-No one in the “real world” has any clue what they’re talking about. 
Seriously, about 99.9% of people are talking completely out of their asses at
all times.  The successful ones are those that just fake it better than
others.

-The more hours your friends work, the more they’ll lie about how much they
love their job.

-Twenty-two-year-old girls and twenty-eight-year-old guys are roughly
equivalent in maturity level. 

-A college degree doesn’t carry as many expectations as it used to.  For
example, Bank of America’s CampusEdge Checking program offers free checking
while you’re a student for five years – ostensibly implying that most of us are
too stupid to graduate in four.

-If you plan to rage during the week like you used to in college, try to
remember that the people partying alongside you now are actors, comedians, and
the unemployed.  They don’t have to get up in the morning.  You’ll be
the one vomiting in the office bathroom then trying to play it off to your boss
by saying, “I’m fine… must have had a bad spreadsheet or something.”

-I believe that the transition from college to actual society takes about a
year.  The first six months are the hardest, at least until you stop
thinking your roommate is playing a prank on you every morning when your alarm
goes off at 7am for work.  The second six months, you start to get your
bearings – you figure out how often you can realistically rage and become
resigned to the fact that, in the real world, your monthly cable and Internet
bill will always cost way more than seems reasonable.  And by the time the
class above you graduates, and you realize in talking with them how much you’ve
learned over the past year, that’s when the transition is officially
complete.  So, Class of 2007, the clock is ticking.  Your one-year
grace period is about to begin.  Be dumb.  Waste money.  Slack off.  Have fun.  All the graduates that came before
you are watching.  Make us proud.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 14th, 2007 at 12:05 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.