BLoGGeR PaNDa

The following is an excerpt of wisdom written by a 27-year-old Wall Street-turned-comedian, to the Class of 2007 grads. Take notes.

Your days of frat parties and Facebook are over, and your days
of martinis and MySpace are just beginning.  Here’s what you need to
know. 

-No matter what amount per month you were originally planning to spend on
rent, any apartment you actually like will always cost $200 more than that.

-No one in the “real world” has any clue what they’re talking about. 
Seriously, about 99.9% of people are talking completely out of their asses at
all times.  The successful ones are those that just fake it better than
others.

-The more hours your friends work, the more they’ll lie about how much they
love their job.

-Twenty-two-year-old girls and twenty-eight-year-old guys are roughly
equivalent in maturity level. 

-A college degree doesn’t carry as many expectations as it used to.  For
example, Bank of America’s CampusEdge Checking program offers free checking
while you’re a student for five years – ostensibly implying that most of us are
too stupid to graduate in four.

-If you plan to rage during the week like you used to in college, try to
remember that the people partying alongside you now are actors, comedians, and
the unemployed.  They don’t have to get up in the morning.  You’ll be
the one vomiting in the office bathroom then trying to play it off to your boss
by saying, “I’m fine… must have had a bad spreadsheet or something.”

-I believe that the transition from college to actual society takes about a
year.  The first six months are the hardest, at least until you stop
thinking your roommate is playing a prank on you every morning when your alarm
goes off at 7am for work.  The second six months, you start to get your
bearings – you figure out how often you can realistically rage and become
resigned to the fact that, in the real world, your monthly cable and Internet
bill will always cost way more than seems reasonable.  And by the time the
class above you graduates, and you realize in talking with them how much you’ve
learned over the past year, that’s when the transition is officially
complete.  So, Class of 2007, the clock is ticking.  Your one-year
grace period is about to begin.  Be dumb.  Waste money.  Slack off.  Have fun.  All the graduates that came before
you are watching.  Make us proud.

Prepare for a piece of my mind.

So, the illegal immigrants are taking to the streets demanding naturalization. Does that sound whack to you that they’re here illegally but still making demands to the very country whose rules they violated?

I’m mad.

‘Cause I play by the rules and I get shoved.

Ok I’m understanding the need for illegal workers to be legal (whatever FOR? they’re already here working anyway) so they can work the restaurants/fields/carwashes/etc (in a more fearless manner, I guess). I also get the fact that some of them are here for survival reasons. But is it fair to me and thousands others who’ve taken the legal path, throwing money left and right on student visas/work visas/immigration lawyers, if the government ends up paying more attention to the ones BREAKING the rules?

I’m not bitching about who’s more skillful/educated to deserve the citizenship, because the computer programmers and engineers and nurses/MDs would kick my sorry butt in terms of contributing to the country. My point is that the law-abiding boys and girls are getting sidelined.

I even feel cheated. Kinda like in school, when I played by the rules [read: keeping the friends code of loyalty] but the same didn’t happen to me and I took the fall, or when I didn’t play the dating game and still got my heart broken.

Nothing in this world is fair, but at least here in the U.S. of A we’re not so quick to be cheated of our rights. It’s good to know that I can sue for sexual harassment if a boss/coworker’s comment makes me feel uncomfortable. Or that if my house gets broken into, the security will be on MY side instead of collaborating with the thugs (trust me, the reverse situation has personally happened).

These rights to protection are what make petite, defenseless-looking women like me feel safe. I can take care of myself, but I need to be empowered by the law and to know that it really works.

When I recently consulted a law firm about possibly applying for asylum, they said angrily that I had no case, as I did not immediately pursue it when I first arrived in the States. Silly me, back then I thought I’d follow the safer/more guaranteed route of the J-1 (exchange student) to a F-1 (student visa) to a H1B (work visa) and finally Permanent Residence. Playing it safe and, again, by the rules.

Let me clarify that I’m not hating on illegal immigrants. I’m just disappointed that my honest efforts aren’t being honored – I’m being reduced to contend in a lottery system, and in the end maybe losing the job, the love, and the life I could’ve had.

::

What’s interesting about this magazine cover is that the silhouette was not computer-generated but rather a regular ol’ photograph. The Contents page says, “On the Cover: Photo by Brevin Blach. Model: April Vasquez.” I can picture [pun intended] this April girl being all excited, showing her family and friends that she made the cover of a magazine, but all of them are staring at the cover going, “Um, you look, uh, great…”

::

Bro says my car would look better with black tail lights. Whatcha think?
Vote for:

A) Staying red.

OR:

B) Going black